Release

Having body issues when you're already thin, even thick, is such a messy subject - whether you are the subject of it's selfish pull or not. Appearance issues stem from a number of things: Lack of control, careers, peer pressure, high expectations, etc. etc.

Now for myself, I have converging some mental ground on how it is best to handle this bumpy subject. If we look at it from a spiritual perspective we see that the bibles states "Our bodies are a temple of the Holy Spirit", and by degrading our own image because it doesn't align with the idea form of which we think it should, is actually a sin. Again, looking at it from eternal perspective, when we give passage to mediocrity and that "ideal" physical form which we sometimes cry over and become obsessed over, we are infact cutting ourselves off from effectiveness.

We cannot, and I repeat, cannot be effective for the kingdom, ourselves, our work, or anything is we are so close-minded to the shape of what we are. However, it is not overcome in a day, a week, a month. This messy subject spills over the edge and stays all our lives. At times the pull and fight won't be as hard, but the more we give way, the more difficult and painful it is to surface once again.

Also, as we release our self-insecurities, we shall gain a new self awareness. In other words: effectiveness.

Alone Time

Depending on the appropriateness of the situation, I’m never afraid to ask questions. About life, dance, others, and especially myself.

Over the years, I developed a keen sense to learn - a learner’s mentality if you will. I spent a lot of time alone, a lot of time thinking and developing my thoughts. I truly benefited from that time and still do. Whether it was in my room, sitting in the bed of my brother’s trunk, in the studio, or going to the park. It didn’t matter because it started young.

My parents found it odd, I think, when I would tell them I’m going to the park and Mom would ask, "Alone?"
My favorite park was not even a block from our house. It wasn't anything special, but it was in fact a big open field with a bench and two huge oak trees to sit beneath. I would go there to release my thoughts and attempt to write. Sometimes I would do nothing more than sit between the enormous stumps to hide and listen to the wind viciously blow the leaves. When the weather would begin to shift, I’d bundle up and withstand the cold for as along as possible just to sit there.

Back then, I had many friends but often chose to set myself apart. As the years passed, I grew into it even more by investing my time into the studio. All that time energized questions within me. When I was nine years old, I had no idea I was an introvert, yet easily able to make friends. I do remember, however, since a young age I’ve felt it in my gut that somewhere along the lines of this earth I would be someone. That I would grow to become part of something larger than myself.

My philosophy is that to be someone, one must know them self. To do something, one must know their craft. Therefore, I was always full of questions and still am.

I love a thought I once read about knowing the sound of your own breath.
How many of us can actually say that we do?

Waiting In The Wings

You have this clear design - clear vision of where you see yourself going.

It rains.

Suddenly the window becomes blurry and your own direction fades a bit.

All you want is for it to stop raining.

But alas, plans change because they are not ours to mold.

There is a difference between plans and destiny.

Plans are what we desire instantly.

But vision -- vision requires time.

"Visions are born in the soul of a man or woman who is consumed with the tension between what is and what could be. Anyone who is emotionally involved-frustrated, brokenhearted, maybe even angry about the way things are in the light of the way they believe things could be, is a candidate for a vision. Visions form in the hearts of those who are dissatisfied with status quo.

The world is hard on vision. After all, a vision is about change. And change is not welcomed in most areneas of life. For a vision to survive, it must be mature and healthy before being exposed to the cynical, critical, stubborn environment in which it is expected to survive. And maturity requires time."

And Once Again...

theres a part of me that you keep breaking

many parts of me are frankly too attached

you keep breaking them - breaking me.

“Let people feel the weight of who you are. And let them deal with it.”

Persistence Conquers All

"Chin up. Put your shoulders back, walk proud, strut a little. Don't lick your wounds: celebrate them. The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor. You're in a lion fight, Stevens. Just because you didn't win doesn't mean you don't know how to roar." -Greys

Trophy Years

Last weekend I wrapped up my last high school competition season with DNA. In ways I was shaken by the fact that it was my last... and bitter-sweetness became me as I reflected on the previous eight years of competing on different stages and how each one had its meaning as did the past four years of books and people who have contributed to who I am.

Part of me felt like the player who puts the towel over his head to veil his tears while exiting the court as his high school career comes to a close. Videos, pictures, medals and trophies lay left as it leaves. And what seems like a very large window is being shut and the curtains rise and fall to the wood of the floors one last time on these stages that I move on – these stages of my life.

I graduate in just a few weeks and have showcases to finish up with and then I plan on auditioning for Cruise Ships this summer and hopefully sign for 4-6 months. So obviously, I’m not planning on going to college right away and it was probably one of the most sought out decisions I’ve ever had to make… but it was very clear to me that this is what I need to do. I want to start making my way into the professional dance world… and if I’m a starving artist, then I’m a starving artist at least doing what I love – doing what makes me come alive.

Am I scared? Well, hell yeah I’m scared.
But I think that’s one of the reasons why I know its right.
These stages are as scary as it gets and I believe they should be.
I think we all NEED experiences that knock us off center… otherwise we’re not living. Sometimes you find those off-center experiences in places, sometimes in passions, or in people. I have gotten to partake in many and have found those experiences in all three and I want to keep finding them – keep expanding them.

I’m excited about this next phase of my life. I’m anxious to see more of the world and to keep learning, keep in-taking in order to give back.
So, goodbye trophy years… hello un-idealistic career.

Trading Comfort For Calling

I believe in you...

Even over the longest distance.

somewhere i have never travelled

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most trail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if you wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

E.E. Cummings

Two Paths. I Go Down The Middle.

Something beautiful is taking place inside of me. It is almost as if a gentle hand has placed a blanket of hope around my shoulders, tender lips kissing my cheek with an unquenchable love, and I am drinking a bottomless mug full of indescribable peace and joy. I'm facing some physical strains, but I am so very energized by what it is giving back to me and what God is giving me... what He has already given me. There are doors opening and I'm beginning to walk through them.

There seems to always be two paths... and I'm still going down the middle.



"Everyone tells you what to do and whats good for you. They don't want you to find your own answers, they want you to believe theirs. I want you to stop gathering information from outside yourself and start gathering it from the inside. People are afraid of whats inside, and thats the only place their ever going to find what they need. Why can't you sleep? Is it because, maybe late at night when all the noise dies down and you're laying there in bed and theres nobody around but you, then maybe you begin to get a little scared. Scared because everything you suddenly feel is so empty. You tell me you wanna be more than just someone who gets up on those rings and performs a well practice stunt or two. You tell me you wanna be someone who uses his mind and his body in ways that most people would never have the courage to."
-Peaceful Warrior

The Definition of a True Friend

Some move the weight of my universe.
Some only shift it.

They come in rare forms.

We usually don't even need a full hand to count them because they do not only study their words; they study us. They're piercing to the very core of who were are.
They are the ones who can move us back from our ledges to take a second look.

Who moves the weight of your world, your own personal life? Maybe with just one look, one word, one touch?

Photographs

When I look at pictures I tend to remember the highlights of that day and then my mind begins to wander. I spend the rest of those moments trying to capture the people that were there. Theres so much to see. In the background. In the front. In the middle. Lets dig deeper and remember for a moment...

I was looking through one of my old albums last week and probably spent two minutes looking at each picture. At the people. The people next to me, the people behind me. There are pictures of even just me alone. Such as my profile picture to the right. I remember everything that was going on around me and everyone who was there.

Remembering the highlights is interesting, but remembering the people is even more intriguing. Even the individuals that I didn't know and may have only observed. The acquaintances. Then, the dear friends who's lives I had small or mere glimpse into. Sometimes for a moment, days, months or years.

I also find it fond to think of the shapes that come along with them. Or how they shaped me, that is. Whether for better or worse. Or... how I possibly shaped them. Either way, we are all shaped by people. Whether for a moment, a few days, few months, or years.

Breaking Bounds

Unconventional.

That’s me.

It has to be me.

I’ve been in somewhat of a funk for the past two weeks but I’m gradually emerging from it.

Last Sunday I went to the Movement Dance Workshop and took classes from some of the dancers off the hit show “So You Think You Can Dance” and it was absolutely amazing.
I ran into some guys I know and I met some pretty awesome people.
I’m highly considering investing in a convention of some sort every month or meeting up with some of the dancers I know because it keeps me inspired. And when my passions are aligned and that switch is turned on, things tend to land where they belong. And I’m not just talking about dance; I’m talking about many things. Because I’m passionate about many things and I try to take to heart what I am given.

About being unconventionan – I really am trying. I’m taking the time to sit and think of ways to nurture and cherish what I have been given responsibility over and how I can keep on my toes when it comes to my most intimate relationship in life. And due to some of my most current situations, I’m being forced to “think outside the box”. Funny how there truly does become a reason for everything. I think the unremarkable things help most at times because they force me to think. Force me to surface the thoughts that get buried underneath the materialistic lifestyle that I find myself slipping into and then fighting to stay emerged from.

Inspiration is key.

People – are key.

So, lets be unconventional. Shall we?