Clear Territory

“The inner murmur of self-reproach...
There is on the one hand your external work, and you do need rest from physical exertion... but there is a deeper problem.
There is a work underneath the work.
There is an eternal inner murmur.
There is an inner machinery of self censorship.
And it's not guilt --- it's the need to prove yourself -- to yourself, to others.
That work, makes the other kinds of work incredibly weary.
That’s what brings the weariness!
And that work which is very difficult; you're always trying to prove yourself – and it's never enough.”
-Tim Keller – Teaching on “Work & Rest”

This is the part of my life where my thoughts are becoming very channeled. I’m eliminating things in my life, and it’s also giving me more flexibility because I’m constantly admitting what’s truly important. And some of them won’t last forever. To me, forever is as long as it lasts, because as long as I’m still productive and trying to be the best that I can be, I think that is what’s important. And what’s not important is whether I’m popular or the best dancer at the studio or the girl everyone likes; I just want to be the best that I can be.
I’m leaning on the truth that God looks at me and says, “It is very good!”
At first, it blew my mind that the more I just keep surrendering, the more peace and understanding I would gain. Now I find myself constantly surrendering things. I’ve never been in this territory. No black, white, or gray. Just clear truthful territory that I get to experience and share for the rest of my life.

It’s true adventure.
I’m no longer struggling to keep my balance on the edge of the fence. I have no doubt of this. I’ve never been so sure of anything. I’m discovering. I’ve living. For the first time in my life; I’m alive. Something in me is aflame – there is a clarity and warmth that wants to burst through my chest.

Towards the end of the same teaching, Tim Keller said:

“To be a Christian is to say I rest not on my works but His.

I rest on His finished work.
Accept me not because of my record, but His record.
Accept me not because of my works, but because of His works.
And the minute we say that, God imputes our sin to Him (2 Cor 5:21) and imputes His righteousness to us.
And that means that when God looks at you, in Christ, He says It Is Good!
And everything necessary that you've got to do is finished.
And the only set of eyes in the world that you should have to prove yourself to has already said ‘This is my beloved child, whom with I am well pleased.’ “

I stumbled through that teaching. It was the part of my life where resting was explained to me. We need that deep rest. We need that spiritual rest. It’s not the amount we sleep, it's not the amount we rest, it’s the depth in which we rest. If not, we’re going to be in fatigue all the time.

I continue to wrestle with God and he continues to do brain and heart surgery on me each day.